he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
