im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
