i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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