guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
