I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize