if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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