My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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