you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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