If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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