This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
