im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
