Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
