hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize