Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
