Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
