so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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