Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
