During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
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