I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
