Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I am mentally ready for anal.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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