I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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