Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
