my mouth tastes like poor choices
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
