He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
