i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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