Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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