Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
wow bdsm is so cute
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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