I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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