If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
