For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
