i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
