Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
