i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
