If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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