I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
