i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sext me about skeletons
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