I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
