Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
