Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
