Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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