In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Couch. On fire.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
