Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
