i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
