Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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