I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
