i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
