After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
God, I missed his penis.
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