I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
no you cant smoke seaweed
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
