I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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