When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
