I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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