I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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