he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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