i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
