Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
