I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
