So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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