Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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