Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dick very happy bro
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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