I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
