I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
