im six kinds of drunk right now
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
